Receiving NVR
“The question we ask through NVR is what if the behaviour is a symptom and the problem is actually the unmet needs of the child? ”
NVR as I know it now is, relatively speaking, a more recent relationship. I became a qualified practitioner in 2020 and have been using it with families since then. However, I’ve been around NVR for much longer than this; I am, to my knowledge, the only NVR practitioner who has “received” NVR as a child. What I mean by this is my parents employed NVR and its strategies to help manage my behaviour as a child. My ADHD made things very hard for my parents at times; the impulsivity, the sensory processing difficulties, the ‘naughtiness’, and the problems around schoolwork.
Speaking to them now, they still reflect on how radically different I was to the other children in the playground, seemingly with what they affectionately refer to as more joie de vivre. Whilst now we all look back and can laugh about that, life wasn’t always easy. Their attempts at traditional parenting, both Old Authority and Liberal Authority, failed to have the desired impact. The naughty step, being sent to my room, groundings, all couldn’t prevent misbehaviour, and on the reverse on that neither could a Liberal less boundaried approach.
They asked themselves the question that many of the parents I work with now ask, “What do I do when my child won’t respond to normal parenting styles?”. They too had done the groups, the training, read the books, but it did not achieve behavioural change. This is increasingly common, reward and punishment models work for some children, however, there is a growing amount of children it simply does not accommodate. Parents are then left to wonder what they are doing wrong when really they don’t have the right tools for the job.
This feeling of shame and self-blame haunts a lot of parents especially parents of children with neurodevelopmental disorders like mine. Parents of children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and ADHD, or those with developmental or physical trauma, struggle because of the paradigm currently used. NVR consciously works to remove this shame and blame parents carry because it confronts them with the question, “if you weren’t given the tools to make it work, how can the blame lie with you?”.
“ I reflect back on these NVR techniques as I share them with clients, to consider whether I realised what my parents were doing. Every time it comes back as a resounding no.”
My parents had been in and around social work and family therapy for many years, so they were lucky in that respect that they came across NVR very early on, at a point when they needed it most. This often reflects how many families come to NVR, it is when you need it most that it presents itself. They began employing some of the strategies that NVR teaches; relational gestures, de-escalation strategies, mini-announcements, vigilant care. Many of the classic tools that I now use in my practice.
The strength of these strategies was that no longer did they rely on an admittedly obstinate child to respond to punishment or rewards, instead, they worked to change behaviour before it got to the point of needing these things. What de-escalation strategies and mini-announcements are is preventative; they function to change the flow of behaviour before it gets to the point of the red mist descending. Many parents of children with neurodevelopmental disorders are all too familiar with the red mist, and when it comes it feels that for however long it lasts they lose their child, and this is why these strategies are so significant.
Being able to redirect the child, and in this case myself, before the behaviour reaches a full-blown escalation is a godsend. It allows the parents, and in this case, my parents, to de-escalate themselves and instead put them in a position to respond in a positive way. Mini-announcements especially are wonderful tools to be able to pivot children away from moments of escalation and towards a calm conversation. How many parents, like mine, need to know how to move their children away from digital devices without an escalation, argument, or violent outburst?
“ A child that is connected with behaves better, they feel heard, they feel less shame and blame, and they feel loved, all of which contribute to better behaviour.”
The problems parents are facing around digital devices are on the rise, and it is something I’ll discuss further in another post. However, it is fair to say that the advent of COVID-19 has undoubtedly increased escalations around technology as we become ever more dependent on tech for everyday lives. For many young people school and relationships are now housed between two devices, phones and computers, meaning the distinction between the digital and physical world is increasingly blurred.
Many of the escalations in my childhood came around technology; mainly the Xbox or the TV, and my parents had to find ways to transition my attention away from these devices to homework, to school and to sleep. It was NVR that was the tool that allowed them to do it. I reflect back on these NVR techniques as I share them with clients, to consider whether I realised what my parents were doing. Every time it comes back as a resounding no. I had no idea my parents were doing anything differently, yet they achieved results that hadn’t been possible before.
This is often a strange thing for parents to hear. So often children realise that parents are using a new technique, and trying something new, especially when it operates with a paradigm that they’re familiar with la reward and punishment. Yet with NVR I saw none of that, felt none of that, and honestly, it helped me connect with my parents more. This comes as a shock to the families I work with; how could that be? And this is a very good question because it can seem unfathomable.
What NVR does so well is to change parental reactions into responses, it raises parental presence, and above all else allows a connection with the child before correcting them. A child that is connected with behaves better, they feel heard, they feel less shame and blame, and they feel loved, all of which contribute to better behaviour. We often treat the behaviour as the problem and from here we look to correct it, but the question we ask through NVR is what if the behaviour is a symptom and the problem is actually the unmet needs of the child.
“Over time, the very nature of what relational gestures seek to do is to offer children something they crave the most. The giving of time, the interest, the care, the small tokens of love, help connect with the child. ”
In asking this question, when we begin the journey of connection with the child, because by meeting the unmet needs that cause the behaviour, we allow the child to change their own behaviour. If your child is being extremely controlling, monitoring members of the family and needs to be in constant contact, asking why this is happening and starting to meet the underlying lack of security that causes this behaviour, we change the behaviour.
In changing their responses to me, my parents began to meet the unmet needs that were causing my behaviours. So instead of considering the difference between their actions prior to NVR and afterwards, the feeling of connection is what I focused on, whereas before it was easy to see to the new techniques coming thick and fast. It is nigh on impossible for a child to distinguish between a relational gesture and thoughtful action. Over time, the very nature of what relational gestures seek to do is to offer children something they crave the most. The giving of time, the interest, the care, the small tokens of love all help to connect with the child.
What the change felt like was that my parents had more time for me, or saw me as more than the sum of my behaviours, that I was valued and loved for who I was. And when needs are met, there is far less of a need for extreme behaviours. You begin to see a huge change in the child, whereby tackling the single biggest behaviour you end up changing other smaller behaviours. When you resolve violence in the home for example, you end up seeing a long term transformation whereby the child responds better to situations in general. Perhaps they’ll swear less, punch walls less, and all-round lose their temper less all because the needs causing the anger that led to the violence is now being met.
By working on parental responses to violence and reducing the episodes, you’re correlatively reducing the level of shame, guilt and regret the child feels. Often after these episodes children struggle to come to terms with their reactions when the red mist had descended. This can manifest as pleading, bargaining, outward blame, minimising, lying, or further anger. Our responses to these episodes can increase the levels of shame felt by the child, like via punishment. Consider these two responses: “Don’t shout at me like that! Go to your room now and think about what you’ve you said!” and then “I can see you’re angry and I care about you and want to understand why. I’ll make us a drink and we can talk about what’s going on.”
“Being heard goes a long way in changing behaviour. ”
The former statement is reducing the level of connection, and will inadvertently lead to a level of shame from the child. The latter encourages connection to understand why the child is angry. More than that, it de-escalates the situation by offering a moment for both the parent and child to calm down before continuing the conversation. It was miraculous when instead of my parents using things like grounding or sending me to my room, they asked why I was feeling a certain way. It allowed room for us to have a conversation where my feelings were validated by an adult, listened to and respected. Being heard goes a long way in changing behaviour.
Learning how to formulate statements like this in moments of escalation or difficult situations is just one part of the strategic element of NVR we cover in our work with families. Helping parents understand how the tweaking of their responses can yield responses as my parents had is the bedrock of our work. That means that when these situations arise, as they always do, parents are equipped with tools that can help de-escalate situations and get to the heart of the issue.
If any of these issues struck a chord with you, or you’d like to find out more about NVR and how it can make a difference in your family life please do not hesitate to get in touch with us and to book your free 30-minute phone consultation here.
